not the only one…

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Why don’t I write more?

I have a blog. I should use it. I don’t know why I don’t write more, and specifically why I don’t use my blog. Maybe I worry about not having enough material, that I’ll run out of things to say. But I have thousands of thoughts per day, not that they are all writing “gold” but why should I be so concerned? A blog can just be a place to work my ideas out, to express my thoughts and wrestle with daily emotions.

Am I too buttoned up? I do feel something holding me back… what is it? Is there a secret I’m keeping from myself? Something I’m denying? So strange this feeling is. My partner picks up on it too. Maybe I’m not comfortable sharing my whole self with the world, or with myself! Maybe I worry I won’t be accepted or I’ll be unable to explain myself. That’s a terrible thought – having to explain myself. I think I have anxiety about explaining myself to others who do not understand how I feel or act. Like I have to justify myself to others. maybe i would just rather get along? Like when I dated a girl and I had to explain why to people who claimed I “wasn’t acting like myself.” The thing is, I am always myself, on my better days I’m more conscious of my self, my actions and my words. On my bad days, I’m less careful and I react instead of listening. But this is probably getting off track. Either way, there is a part of me that I am hiding, I feel a part of me inside that is screaming to get out but doesn’t know how. I have lots of thoughts I hold back because I just get push back and I’m not sure to have a dialogue about them with others. Which is probably why writing is a beautiful medium for me. I get to put my thoughts out there, and maybe through writing I can start the difficult dialogues I’d like to have…

Lately, I’ve been identifying with my 6 year old self — it’s joyful and fun. I have been practicing relaxing and slowing down and listening. Its really fun. I talk too much anyway. Slowing down is very eye opening and I find life slows down when I slow down, when I choose to savor moments and observe. In slowing down observation becomes easier and life becomes more clear. Changes in energy and emotion are easier to pick up. My view of the world broadens and I’m able to take in and see much, much more. When I am stressed and obsessed with tiny troubles in my life, always worrying about the future or the past, I missed so much. I missed reactions from others that I am better at picking up. I missed gentleness. I’m now able to pick up changes in energy across a room in a deeper way and I’m learning to see the world and people in a more layered reality. There have always been multiple ideas, emotions, and agendas occurring at once and it’s refreshing to learn that I am now seeing and understanding more than I used to. It’s intriguing and it makes me want to slow down even more.

I will commit to writing more. I don’t know how often. I do not wish to make a wild claim like, “I’ll write everyday,” but I probably should, and I should probably stick to it. I’m starting a writing group in Edmonds. Something for people who work during the day like I do. My plan is for the group to meet every other week. One week we do a writing prompt and write and the next week we share and receive feedback, and then we alternate. I’d like to create more space for writing in my life and to connect with other writers to help myself improve.

I’m working on my first children’s book. I think its pretty good. Next step is to edit and find feedback and then start searching for a publishing company I might like to work with… and then it’s judgement day.

And here we go, I have my first blog post in a long time. Now, that wasn’t so hard.